This is just a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting, funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast of today's show. However, if you're looking for a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.
Call in Point:
(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)
Oh my glob, it's Friyay! and a Good Friday at that (get it, see what I did there, of course you did.) On this Good Chainsaw Friday we are taking a moment to celebrate, not a resurrection but the fact that Angi did not die twice this morning (Don't Kill Angi doesn't count in this instance.) You see, our main morning girl was involved in not one but two almost accidents this morning on her way to work. Whereas normally it's she almost fell down the stairs running into a spiderweb or her tire exploded yet again (I'm forgoing her falling off a bridge because you know, too soon) death almost snatched our shining star through the hands of others. The first came when she was barreling down Western, probably singing along to something on Rock 95.5 at 3:30 in the morning when it was pitch black outside. As she went over a big hump on an overpass, she flew forward and almost into a car that was coming toward her in the wrong lane. She wasn't sure if the driver was drunk, tired, trying to pass a truck or recreating that scene from Scary Movie (IYKYK.) However, she was able to navigate the situation and survived the brush. Still, death was not done with trying to take out everyone's favorite grandma (in namesake, not reality, she's just old.) A second attempt to take down the queen came as she was driving through Lower Wacker (aka The Gotham Underground) when she almost ran over The King of Gotham aka some homeless (see: unhoused) dude. Much like a game of Frogger minus the frog and the outdated graphics Angi was amazed by when she turned 30, Angi played a game of driving between Bane throwing barrels of toxic waste at her, The Joker sending exploding jack in the boxes in her direction and this random unhoused (see: homeless) guy who was throwing brown bagged bottles of Madd Dogg at her as he tried to pee on her car. She would make it to the studio in one piece but just because she survived all these surreal scenarios didn't mean I would hold back from goofing on her.
Other Stuff from Today's Show:
Since it is a holiday weekend though, that means that people will be doing things like celebrating, seeing some of their older relatives or for most people who aren't alcoholics like me, getting high. The problem, of course, with getting high is it tends to dampen your skills. For example, when Marris is high, he becomes terrible at video games. As for Angi, she gets high and suddenly she forgets how to sew, which is not helpful when you promise someone like Prison Tattoo that you'll fix their jacket that was torn in the studio yesterday. See, Angi complimented Prison Tattoo on his jacket and when he stood up, the arm of the chair he was sitting on latched onto it and ripped the pocket open. Luckily, like most women in their twilight years, Angi has a blue cookie tin at home full of sewing stuff and offered to fix it. Unlike those other elderly women, Angi went home and got so high that by the time she picked up the needle and thread, it was like trying to do physics when you majored in theater. The needle and thread were essentially on different planes of existence so when attempting to thread it, it was just not going to happen. After trying and realizing she wasn't getting it into the hole (giggity) in her state, she gave up and intends to try again this weekend. Prison Tattoo was not too upset that he'll need to wait until Monday (allegedly) to get his jacket but Angi was thrilled that she got to mother him at least. I mean, sure, she's a mother who is drugged out and probably ruined Prison Tattoo's weekend since a light jacket would be nice during this Spring weather but alas, Angi got high.
Now, seeing as Easter is on Sunday, there's a good chance some people will end up seeing their grandparents. Perhaps this is the best time to sit down and have "the talk" with them. It seems that older people these days have twice as many STI's (weird how the number went up as soon as Angi turned 50,) and that is more than double in the past decade for 55 and older. Many things are factoring into the rise in freaky sex leading to freaky results including rising divorce rates, forgoing of condoms due to not being able to get pregnant, the availability of Viagra, more people being in retirement communities and old people ending up on dating apps. Though the name escaped them at the time, Angi has seen a commercial for the elderly dating apps (probably when she was eating supper and watching Jeopardy.) Obviously, Marris was having a hard time grasping the idea of old people working apps and phones (and after being next to Angi all day, I can see that.) We also can't overlook places like The Villages in Florida where the freaks go to partner swap, swing and test out their new hips and knees while on Viagra. All of this, while bonkers sounding, gives Angi hope and makes her happy. In fact, she is kind of wishing Jay the Straight would run off with Misty Meadows, the imaginary blond 24 year old girlfriend we've created so that she could run out and go get some chlamydia or the herp. See, in retirement, Angi wants to have fun and she wants to get her garden plowed and not be out planting in her garden. So yeah, this weekend, if you get the chance, talk to grandma and grandpa and tell them to wrap it up.
Since Easter is Sunday and we love lists, here is a list that was put out of the 10 Best Easter Candies. Feel free to use this as a guidebook to start fights at Easter dinner and as an excuse to throw your ham at your racist relatives.
1. Reeses Eggs (which is the favorite of Angi, Marris, myself and anyone else with a brain.)
2. Cadbury Mini Eggs (Angi lost a boyfrenn over these hard shelled nightmares)
3. Lindt Chocolate Gold Bunny
4. Easter Pastel M&M's
5. Cadbury Creme Eggs (These fondat wonders being this low should be considered criminal.)
6. Cadbury Caramel Eggs
7. Hershey Solid Milk Chocolate Eggs
8. Whopper Eggs
9. Jelly Belly Jelly Beans
10. Hershey Solid Milk Chocolate Bunnies.
Don't Kill Angi Weekly Recap:
Mon: Angi wanted to get Jay the Straight a wig
Choice: Marty had Angi decide to buy Jay the Straight the mullet wig.
Result: Even though she loved her husband being bald as it made him even sexier and look like Pitbull, Angi decided to give hair a try for the sake. Going on Temu, Angi ordered up a perfectly fine mullet wig and had it shipped overnight. Excited to see how it would look, Angi surprised Jay the Straight with the gift of hair and he was confused but open minded. Going into the bathroom after opening the package, Jay the Straight glued down the ugly mop to his head and presented his newly furry dome to his wife. After getting a quick glimpse, Angi was definitely not feeling it and came up with a solution. "Maybe you glued it down wrong, go back in there and try turning it around," she said, growing more repulsed with each second she stared at the ugly shag on his head. As Jay the Straight returned to the bathroom to make the rug work, Angi continued to have the image of Jay the Straight having Gossamer from the Looney Tunes now living above his pretty face. The trauma continued to compile to the point where it became too much for Angi and the mere thought of being married to a man with a wig repulsed her. Instead of trying to make it work, she was broken and so she fled out the door and never looked back. (Alive)
Tue: Angi wanted to create wasp hives around her house
Choice: TJ had Angi decided to lure the wasps in with baked Goya beans.
Result: After hearing Marris drone on and on about the upcoming cicada summer from hell, Angi finally decided to do something to protect herself. Learning about giant purple wasps that would be detrimental to the cicadas, Angi wanted to put hives all around her house to host them and hold off the hoards. After placing makeshift nests all around the outside of Floptopia and hanging them from her trees, Angi knew she needed something to lure in the critters. Luckily, she just happened to have a bunch of Goya baked beans sitting around and so she poured generous amounts in each nest. Weirdly enough, it actually ended up working and the flying menaces showed up in droves and swarmed Angi's nests. However, as they dug into the obviously disgusting treat, Angi found her victory to be short lived. A sudden noise swept up all around her, the sound of thousands of angry giant purple wasps buzzing in unison. They were enraged by Angi's offering and decided to show her their appreciation by swarming her. One by one she was stung repeatedly, each one triggering an allergic reaction that caused her to swell. By the time they were done, Angi looked like a misshapen piece of popcorn as she suffocated on the floor. (Dead)
Wed: Angi wanted to bribe a cop to get out of a ticket
Choice: Dale had Angi decide to use the sack of weed under her driver's seat as a bribe.
Result: Always looking to try and improve on things she heard about on the show, Angi decided to get pulled over after the show had ended to see if cop bribery actually worked. Because she was just seeking a ticket and not a full blown trip to lock up, Angi figured speeding made the most sense. Doing 90 in a 35 zone, she burned down the streets and was almost immediately flagged by a single cop. Reducing the speed, Angi pulled over to the side of the road and prepared to be accosted by the cop. After tapping on the window, Angi rolled it down and turned on the charm. She explained she was speeding as part of a social experiment which the cop did not find funny and so Angi turned on the charm. She batted her eyelashes and tried to look cute. Not impressed, the officer asked for her license and registration and took a moment to look over them. As he did, Angi reached under her seat and pulled out a giant baggie of weed. "Hey officer, perhaps you could overlook all this," she said, waving the bag at him. "Nice try, I've been sober for 10 years." With another offense now on the registry, Angi panicked and thought fast. "What about these?" Angi yelled as she lifted up her shirt to reveal her sagging naturals. Unfortunately, the act only startled the cop and he was so disgusted by what he saw, he pulled out his taser. He unleashed it upon Angi and as it connected, the electricity made her barely functioning heart work even harder and that was too much for it. Angi slumped over and the electricity continued to pump through her, causing smoke to comically pour from her ears. (Dead)
Thur: Angi wanted to try the new Sox food items
Choice: Mike had Angi decide to try the Jack Daniel's Coca Cola ice cream float.
Result: Spurred on by constantly discussing new trendy food coming to the ballparks, Angi finally decided that she was going to use her media credentials to get her hands on something fun. After talking to her Sox connection, Angi was able to secure a spot for batting practice before opening day and in turn, get her hands on the delectable Jack Daniel's Coca Cola ice cream float. Sipping the boozy treat, Angi made her way down to her seat and was ready to cheer on the team. What Angi failed to take into account was how the ice cream float would interact with the seventeen margaritas she had prior to arriving at the ballpark, which had already made her somewhat turnt and tipsy. Firmly planted in place, Angi was squirrely almost instantly as all the booze started to create a vortex in her head. As the players attempted to practice, Angi couldn't help but yell at the top of her lungs. "Let's go White Sox, here we go White Sox," were phrases she was attempting to create but the result was much more slurred. As she droned on, the players found the irritation tiring and so pitcher Garrett Crochet decided to do something about it. Letting loose a fast ball, he intentionally missed home plate and sent it in Angi's direction. The 100 mph ball connected with its target, smashing in Angi's forehead and shattering her skull as she ate up the last of her float. (Dead)
Fri: Angi wanted to do a senior activity
Choice: Don had Angi decide to try pickleball.
Result: After hearing that STI's were on the rise, Angi decided that it was time to finally catch something. After all, even though she had been rode hard and put away wet all her life, Angi had somehow avoided all of the STI's. Knowing that a trip to The villages would definitely change that, Angi packed her favorite two piece bikini and headed down to Florida. Once checked in to The Villages, Angi swapped out her sun dress for her sagging two piece and hit the pickleball court. It seemed she had made the right choice in outfit because she was a hit with all the 80 year old men who wanted her on their team. Unfortunately though, that meant that Ethel and the other old crones were no longer the hot pieces on the court. Enraged, the old bitches gathered together and made their way to the pickleball dispensers. One by one the hags turned the machines on in unison and they proceeded to fire the balls in Angi's directions. At first she was able to swat a couple but as hundreds of balls made their way toward Angi, it simply became too much. One by one they bounced off her, bruising her and sending her falling to the floor. The drop in height did not help and the ball barrage continued until Angi was simply battered to death. (Dead)
Request Wars 3.5
Theme: Heaven and Hell Songs
Current Champion: Marris (2x)
Angi's Song Choice: “Running with the Devil" by Van Halen
Marris' Song Choice: "Wrong Side of Heaven" by Five Finger Death Punch
Winner: Marris
10 O' Clock Toast:
Toastee: Space
It is currently making bank by selling itself out with its upcoming eclipse. It will be giving kids the day off school and Warby Parker, Jenni's Ice Cream and other brands are selling or giving away glasses to look at it as opposed to Angi who used to look at it through a cardboard box.
Show Quotes and Tidbits:
"I know where (Heaven or Hell) I'm going." - Angi
"Where, the liquor store?" - Marris
"Instead of having the Easter Bunny come over, you can have Trashbag Taylor come over as the Dusty Bunny, 'cause her eggs are so old and dusty. Kids love when she drops one of her polluted century eggs into their basket." - Minn Barb